Editor's Note: Please send your entries and comments to me at criticalcurmudgeon@yahoo.com

Husbands, Dare You Admit It?

The following has been condensed from an article by Pamela Weiler Grayson in the April 19 issue of The New York Observer, NYC's other newspaper. I had read about the launch of this new paper but did not read a copy until a recent trip to New York. It is printed on pink paper but that is not what makes it a damned interesting read. It is the refreshing and different articles and features. This article by Pam Grayson had me laughing out loud. Some women readers may find it offensive but it is one woman's viewpoint and I love her sense of humor and the way she copes with an obnoxious husband. But all you husbands out there, admit it. Doesn't it ring true? Or do you think your sex life will be curtailed if you do?

Mother Love: How I Became A N.Y.C. MILF

A condensation of an article by Pamela Weiler Grayson

One night, my husband came home from a dinner with some newly acquired friends and announced that he had learned a new word or acronym, to be precise. The word which, it turns out, was popularized by the movie American Pie was "MILF," and it stands for " (A) Mother I'd Like to Fuck."

At first I was appalled. How could seemingly nice married men sit around and talk about other people's wives as fantasy lovers? I was repulsed by the idea that my husband of 15 years was going around checking out other women with children. If some mom we happened to be socializing with was hot, she might be a potential MILF, and therefore a threat to my marriage, at least in theory. Although the operative word in the term is "like" meaning that these are not mothers that my husband would literally consider having sex with just the fact that he wanted to was enough to rattle my sense of sexual security.

Once I learned the MILF word, things were never again the same at family-oriented events. I started looking warily around at birthday parties, calculating the competition. There were the women in tight clothes who were freshly botoxed and glowing, or the ones who wore leather pants and Manolos to a gym party. If a sleek woman bent over to slice her son's pizza, her low-riding jeans revealing an expanse of black thong, I was sure none of the rest of us stood a chance of being noticed by the time the "Happy Birthday" song kicked in. I was also pretty sure that my husband was taking notes.

The insidious thing about the MILF is that she is not a young, sexy celebrity; she is the mom next-door. This means that just about every mother is a contender in what I began to see as a competition. The idea of a competition wasn't pure fantasy on my part, prompted by my own insecurity. No, my husband perpetuated it, often mentioning that I was in second place for MILF (or perhaps, on a rare occasion, first) at a particular gathering. He thinks this is all good-natured fun, but I am usually not amused. It is not like this happens all the time, but it does happen enough to get on my nerves. Even when it feels good to measure up to other moms in a purely physical way, I can get angry with my husband for being so superficial.

But instead of just pouting, and to show I'm a good sport, I started playing along with the MILF game. I began rating women myself and telling my husband when I thought a woman was hot or not. After attending the endless stream of children's birthday parties, you need something to break up the monotony. And it does seem more fun when you are thinking about a three-way. So I got into it a bit. The idea of the MILF both repulsed and titillated me.

I began to understand that there were two sides to the coin and if someone considered me a MILF as well, it was flattering. As annoyed as I can get over my husband's occasional roving eye, I now see myself as potential MILF material and frankly, it makes me a little excited. I am convinced some men are checking out my ass next to the SpongeBob cake, and I am feeling hotter than ever. I may be scooping my crying 5-year-old up off the floor, but on the other side of the room, some father may be thinking about how cute I look.

With MILF on my mind, I now dress for children's parties. Not dress up, mind you, just dress strategically. For a recent party on the Upper East Side, where I knew there was sure to be a high MILF content, I had dressed for reaction. In my new Citizens of Humanity jeans, ribbed cotton sweater and high-heeled boots, it wasn't easy dragging my two kids and a heavy shopping bag with the present over to the party, but I was a MILF on a mission: to out-MILF the others.

The competition was fierce. It was a hotbed of MILF-dom. I was particularly intimidated by a leggy brunette who looked like she spent more time with her trainer than her son, and by a tall blonde with implants. While I think I caught a few men giving me the eye, I can't be quite sure. But when my husband showed up, I knew my efforts had paid off: "You are up there with the best," he whispered.

I will admit that form-fitting clothes are not practical or even really appropriate for children's parties, but women with young kids don't have that many social opportunities to strut our stuff. It may not be easy to do the chicken dance in my Jimmy Choos, but for doing the nasty, they are perfect. And while I may not look that great next to nubile hotties on the streets of Manhattan, in the pool of middle-age mothers, I rock.

But now that I have begun perfecting my MILF-ability, I need to start working on that other thing: checking out the FILFs, and letting my husband in on the game!
(Editor's note: Good for you Pam! What is good for the gander...)

'Neutron Jack' Takes a Bride-'Neutron Jackie'

(Editor's note: The following was condensed from an article in the April 19 issue of The New York Observer by Sheelah Kolhatkar. Feel free to write your own snide remarks about the romance and wedding of Jack Welch and the former editor of The Harvard Business Review. I tried to keep mine to a minimum. They are in bold. Enjoy and I hope the article does not make you nauseous.)

On a recent afternoon, Suzy Wetlaufer walked into her kitchen and started screaming.
"Oh my God!" she shrieked, staring at a large cardboard box that had arrived via FedEx from Saks Fifth Avenue. "It's my wedding dress! It's my wedding dress!" She turned to the housekeeper. "Maria! Unpack it and hang it in my closet. In the last row, where Jack can't see it. Oooh! I'm so excited!"

It was two weeks before her wedding to retired General Electric chairman Jack Welch, and Wetlaufer, the 44-year-old former editor of the Harvard Business Review, had plenty to do. "It's going to be great!" Wetlaufer said, giggling. "It's really different to get married when you are 44 from when you are 21. I'm an adult, right?" (She sounds like a Valley Girl!)

(She and Mr. Welch were wed in a white-steepled church a few blocks away from their Beacon Hill Boston townhouse, followed by a reception at home, in the ballroom. An evangelical Christian rock band provided the music.) Wetlaufer says she is a devout Christian. (Can you believe this? I may switch to her religion!)

Wetlaufer met Welch in October 2001, a month after he retired as the head of G.E. She was then editor-in-chief of the Harvard Business Review; her intention was to interview Welch for a cover story. But they became romantically, infamously involved while working on the article. Welch's second wife, Jane Beasley Welch, found out about it by reading their e-mails and telephoned the Review to complain.

Wetlaufer lost her job in the ensuing scandal and was portrayed in the press as a promiscuous gold-digger; meanwhile, the details of Welch's lavish retirement package were scrutinized as he and his wife haggled over his fortune, estimated to be between $450 million and $900 million. Their divorce was settled on undisclosed terms in July 2003. (I hope Jane got a bundle out of the dickhead!)

In corporate America, Jack Welch was not known for his romanticism. At G.E., "Neutron Jack" became famous for his hard-charging management style and penchant for layoffs.

(Editor's note: Neutron Jack ended up doing to Suzy what he did to thousands of GE employees! The guru of American business made his mark early on with massive layoffs and ruthlessness. I abhor the fact that the business media has made this ethical asshole a business "saint" and someone should write a book based on interviews with the thousands of people whose lives and families he fucked up.)

"It was a great interview," she said. "He was really interesting and smart; he was insightful and forthcoming. (I will resist the temptation to comment.) I thought that he was funny. I really expected the Jack Welch you read about - this sort of gruff guy, the toughest boss in America and I thought that he was just really so nice.

"People have asked me, was there any time I just wanted to bolt, get out and say, I didn't sign up for this? And my feeling was, my God that was the furthest thing from my mind!" said Wetlaufer. "I knew I wasn't making a mistake. My faith was really strong in that period, and I just knew that eventually we would get through it. And we did.

(Can you believe that statement?)

"My children love him and he loves them, and it's a beautiful thing," she said. "It's no secret he has a strong personality, and so when he entered our lives, they had to learn to love him. But they did, and he was so good to them, and so good to me, that who wouldn't love him?"

(Answer: Thousands and thousands of former GE employees.)

They are also fascinated by their friends. "We have a fabulous, fantastic group of friends," she said. "And we love to talk, so we go and we gab. We went out last night with Doris Kearns Goodwin and Dick Goodwin, and they are such fascinating, fabulous human beings! We talked about politics for hours." (Valley Girl speaks again.)

When asked how Wetlaufer has changed his life, Welch leaned back into the couch and, in a thick Boston accent, said: "She made it perfect. She is endless, endless entertainment. She's intellectually stimulating. And I won't tell you the rest! Being in love is the nuts!"

Welch,68, underwent a quintuple bypass several years ago, but Ms. Wetlaufer said that she doesn't notice their age difference. (Or worry about him dropping dead?)

"From the beginning we never thought about it, because who knows what our cumulative age is?" she said. "We are young people in our hearts and we are both really vigorous, and it hasn't affected us." (I wonder if she signed a prenuptial agreement? If not Jack was not thinking with his big head.)

The age difference, the insinuations, the loss of her job - it all seems to have rolled off Wetlaufer. (For $900 million, why not?)

"Obviously we took our lumps because of it," she said, "but we have built this beautiful, happy life together. So you know, in the end, we came out of it so happy and strong, I never think about it as having been broken by it. I don't see it as a net loss." (No, shit!)

Churchill Didn't Broadcast Speech

Winston Churchill's famous speech, "We shall never surrender," was broadcast to the world June 4, 1940 by an actor impersonating him, according to the BBC. Churchill delivered the stirring speech to the House of Commons that day. But June 4 was one of the darkest days of WWII. Churchill was preoccupied with the Dunkirk evacuation. France was about to fall and America's entry into the conflict was still 18 months away.

He was too busy to record the speech so the job went to BBC reportory actor Norman Shelley, who was 76 in 1940. This is how it happened.

"I was a fan of Winnie. I had imitated his voice around the BBC. Someone remembered this because they summoned me to the studio, gave me a copy of the speech and told me to get on with it.

"It was just another job. As I recall I did it in a couple of takes."

A BBC spokesman told the AP the speech was heard overseas but was not broadcast in Britain. Shelley's impersonation was approved by Churchill before it went out. "Very nice. He's even got my teeth right," he said referring to a rattling noise his teeth made.

The full quote from the famous speech is: "We shall not flag or fail. We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills. We shall never surrender."

It was one of many that stirred the hearts of millions once Churchill took over as wartime prime minister in a coalition government.

On May 13, 1940 he said: "I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat."

With the capitulation of France on June 18, 1940 came the immortal words: "Let us brace ourselves to our duties and so bear ourselves that if the British Empire and the Commonwealth last for a thousand years men will say, "This was their finest hour.'"

On August 20, 1940 he said in honor of the Battle of Britain pilots: "Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few." Sir Winston Churchill died Jan 24, 1965 at age 90.

(I don't think Churchill would have taken to e-mail, do you?)