The following articles are in this Blog Update:

Our thanks to WS in Greensboro, NC for his steady stream of odd news, Marty F. In New City, NY, Pam D and the Contessa in Ohio, and Rupert J. Humperdinck, deceased classical composer. Send your odd news, jokes and anecdotes to criticalcurmudgeon@yahoo.com.

1. For You Scrabble Players and Anagramists - Some clever word twists.
2. The REAL Reason Man Invented Duct Tape - Another good use for the ubiquitous tape.
3. When You Gotta Go, You Gotta Go - Burglar Gets Caught With Pants Down.
4. Stupid Is As Stupid Does - Passengers Nearly Drown Trying to Spot Beaver (Nudists)
5. Now You Know Why You Get the Service You Do from Federal Employees.
6. If He Had Been Hit by a Car It Would Have Completed the Irony.
7. Another Useless Bit of Trivia that You Won't Forget - Just try.
8. Try This In Mexico - This will give you a different perspective on immigration.

For You Scrabble Players and Anagramists

MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

GEORGE BUSH: HE BUGS GORE

DORMITORY: DIRTY ROOM

EVANGELIST: EVIL'S AGENT

PRESBYTERIAN: BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE MORSE CODE: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: IS NO AMITY

SNOOZE ALARMS: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT: I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: TWELVE PLUS ONE

And for the grand finale: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you
rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

The REAL Reason Man Invented Duct Tape

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mile per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and
growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glares at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut."

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says," Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP?"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband
always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."

When You Gotta Go, You Gotta Go - Burglar Gets Caught With Pants Down

The need to take a crap could cost Otha Smith, a burglar and three-time felon in Whitefish, Wisconsin 21 years in prison. When the homeowner, Dewey Coulson went to the bathroom in the middle of the night, he encountered Smith sitting on the toilet.

"When I turned the corner I saw the light was on and I thought someone had just left it on so I opened the door and there was this guy sitting on the toilet," said Coulson. "So I said, 'What are you doing in my house?' And he said, 'I just had to use the bathroom."'

Coulson ran upstairs to get his stepfather and when they returned they saw the man trying to leave. He and stepfather wrestled with the man to subdue him until police arrived. Coulson's mother said the intruder likely wasn't in the house long before heading to the bathroom.

"There was some money out of my wallet, but that's as far as he got, I guess, before nature took over. The toilet part just blows my mind," she said.

Smith, who police said apparently entered through an unlocked door, was charged Wednesday with burglary to an occupied residence, a felony. Because of two prior burglary convictions he could face 21 years in prison if convicted.

Stupid Is As Stupid Does-Passengers Nearly Drown Trying to Spot Beaver (Nudists)

The Associated Press reported that partygoers apparently hoping to catch a glimpse of nude sunbathers crowded on one side of a floating barge, prompting the ship to capsize and dump all 60 people into Lake Travis.

Two people were hospitalized with minor injuries Sunday after the rented double-decker barge sank near Hippie Hollow, a lakeside park and the only public nude beach in
Texas. The accident occurred during Splash Day, a semiannual event hosted at the clothing-optional area by the Austin Tavern Guild, a gay and lesbian bar association.

Witnesses said that all of the people aboard the barge moved to one side as it neared Hippie Hollow, creating uneven distribution and making it tilt. It sank in 50-foot-deep water. A spokeswoman for the Lower Colorado River Authority, said that everyone aboard was accounted for.

Now You Know Why You Get the Service You Do from Federal Employees.

At least 28 senior-level federal employees in eight agencies have bogus college degrees, including three managers at the office that oversees nuclear weapons safety, congressional investigators have found.

The problem is likely even bigger, mainly because the government has no uniform way to check whether employees' alma maters are "diploma mills" that require little, if any, academic work, the General Accounting Office reported.

An earlier GAO report revealed how easy it is to buy a degree from a diploma mill; this one shows high-level federal workers securing such degrees at taxpayer expense - some $169,471 at just two of the schools.

The colleges in question often use names similar to those of accredited schools and offer degrees largely on a person's "life experience." Some simply sell degrees for a flat fee.

Among those with bogus degrees in the GAO review were three workers with emergency operations roles and security clearances at the National Nuclear Security Administration, part of the Department of Energy.

One of those workers paid $5,000 for a master's degree from LaSalle University, an unaccredited school, the report said. He attended no classes, took no tests and told the GAO his degree was "a joke."

Other senior government employees with bogus degrees worked for the departments of Education, Health and Human Services, Homeland Security, Transportation and Veterans Affairs, as well as the Small Business Administration and the Office of Personnel Management.

In contacting representatives of three diploma mills, an undercover GAO investigator found they would not permit enrolling in individual courses. Yet they were willing to change their billing practices to receive federal money, dividing the flat fee they charged by the number of courses a student needed to appear as if a per-course fee were charged.

The number of bogus degrees and the amount of tax dollars spent on them are likely understated across the government because of incomplete records and verifications, the GAO said.

Three unaccredited schools -- Pacific Western University, California Coast University and Kennedy-Western University -- provided data showing that 463 of their students were federal employees. Most of those listed were in the Department of Defense. The report did not name employees. The investigation took place from July 2003 through February.

If He Had Been Hit by a Car It Would Have Completed the Irony

William Eno is considered to be the "Father of Traffic Safety." He originated stop signs, one-way streets, taxi stands, pedestrian safety islands and traffic rotaries.
What is not known is that he never learned to drive and he considered cars to be a passing fad. (Guess no one told him that if something is not worth doing it is not worth doing well.

Another Useless Bit of Trivia that You Won't Forget

The Beach Boys, who were considered to be the "Kings of California Surfing, started a national surfing craze in the early 1960's. Four of the original members of the band knew nothing about surfing and the only one that did, drowned in 1983. (But they knew a lot about booze and drugs!)

Try this in Mexico

Our thanks for the following which was submitted by PD and the Contessa in Ohio.

Enter Mexico illegally. Never mind immigration quotas, visas, international law, or any of that nonsense.

Once there, demand that the local government provide free medical care for you and your entire family. Demand bilingual nurses and doctors. Demand free bilingual local government forms, bulletins, etc.

Procreate abundantly. Deflect any criticism of this allegedly irresponsible reproductive behavior with. . . "It's an American thing, You wouldn't understand."

Keep your American identity strong. Fly Old Glory from your rooftop, or proudly display it in your front window or on your car bumper.

Speak only English at home and in public and insist that your children do likewise.

Demand classes on American culture in your school system.

Demand a local Mexican driver license. This will afford other legal rights and will go far to legitimize your unauthorized, illegal, presence in Mexico.

Insist that local Mexican law enforcement teach English to all its officers.
OH, and by the way. . . . . . Good luck!