Following are the articles in this weeks update:

1. Language Inventor or Serial killer - This one will stump you?
2. The Amazing Claude the Hypnotist - Unexpected results on stage.
3. Mobile Phone Started Ringing Inside Coffin - Undertaker could at least have put it on call forwarding.
4. The Darwin Awards - These folks are helping to cleanse the gene pool.
5. Test Your Wits Against Your Kids, See Who Wins - I am betting on the kids.
6. New York Wants Shorter Waits for Women's Toilets - Yeah and so do the women and us guys!
7. Stressed Out Woman - Here are some one-liners to help you through the day.
8. Martha Stewart's Holiday To-Do List - See if you can identify with these tasks.
9. Cannibal Confesses in Shocking Trial - Wonder what kind of dishes he and Martha could cook up?
10.God and Fat - Ain't this the truth?

Language Inventor or Serial Killer?

Take this quick online test and see whether you can tell.

Are you a good judge of character? Try this out. By looking at a picture of a person, you have to decide if he is a program language inventor or a serial killer. Go with your gut feelings, Believe it or not.... If the hyperlink does not work, please copy and paste in your Internet address block. You will enjoy this. Let me know how well you do at criticalcurmudgeon@yahoo.com.
http://www.malevole.com/mv/misc/killerquiz/

The Amazing Claude the Hypnotist

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff and the theatre was packed with a standing room only crowd.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit" said the hypnotist.. It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

Mobile Phone Started Ringing Inside Coffin

Mourners at a chapel of rest in Belgium were shocked when a mobile phone started ringing inside the coffin. Relatives of Marc Marchal have now lodged a complaint against the undertaker, says Gazet van Antwerpen.

Mr Marchal, 32, from Rochefort, died instantly when his motorcycle crashed into a tractor between Rochefort and Saint-Hubert. Because the body was badly mutilated, the undertaker suggested the family say their final farewell with the body already in the coffin.

They were all gathered around the coffin at the undertaker's premises on the evening before the funeral when the deceased's cell phone started ringing. Some members of the family were so startled they ran outside while the undertaker had to reopen the coffin to empty the dead man's pockets.

The relatives want police to charge the undertaker who they say cannot have prepared the body properly.

(Curmudgeon's comment: The boor should be punished severely. The least he could have done was put the phone on call forwarding!)

The Darwin Awards

The Darwin awards are an annual honor given to the persons who did the Gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.

Following are the Darwin Award nominees for 2003

Semi-finalist #1 - You Can Die From Vomiting

A young Canadian, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

Semi-finalist #2 - Mooned to Death

Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

Semi-finalist #3 - He Thought He Would Never Need Math 101

A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

Semi-finalist #4 - Too Stupid to Comment On

A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized.

Semi-finalist #5 - Didn't This Guy Ever Watch Bugs Bunny?

Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked.

Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

Curmudgeon's comment: If you have any candidates for the Darwin Award please send them to criticalcurmudgeon@yahoo.com

Test Your Wits Against Your Kids, See Who Wins

Click on the link below and see how you do. If the link isn't working, copy and paste please. Let me know who wins Tom, you or your son?

www.njagyouth.org/colortest.swf

New York Wants Shorter Waits for Women's Toilets

At long last, a harsh inequity of being a woman suffering long lines at public toilets while men come and go with barely any delay may be corrected. New York City wants to do something about it.

New York's City Council introduced legislation that would double the number of public bathrooms for women by making it mandatory that large buildings and public spaces have a two-to-one ratio of women's to men's rooms.

"For too long now women have had to stand in line and watch our male counterparts traipsing through restrooms with ease while we waste valuable time waiting in line to use that convenience," said the bill's sponsor, Yvette Clarke, a Democratic councilwoman from Brooklyn.

The Restroom Equity Bill requires all renovations and new construction in New York to provide more women's bathrooms in all public areas. The measure is not intended for small establishments with just one men's room and one women's room. The bill means some men's rooms could become women's -- meaning stadiums and theaters could change men's toilets into women's rather than building new facilities.

"For men it's a plus for you, too, because many of you stand holding our packages while we are waiting in line to use the restrooms," she said. "We don't have the same type of equipment that you men have and it requires gentle procedures. At certain times that's much more time consuming," said Clarke. If passed by the City Council the new rules would become law within six months.

Curmudgeon says: This law comes a century late. Duh, check the lines at any public WC! I wonder if any other cities will follow suit? Let me know if your city or town has addressed this annoying issue. Send your comments to criticalcurmudgeon@yahoo.com

Stressed-Out Woman

Some pithy comments for women who are stressed out. Perhaps I misspelled pithy? No. 13 is my favorite.

1. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

2. Well this day was a total waste of make-up.

3. Do I look like a people person?

4. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.

5. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

6. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

7. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet.

8. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

9. Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

10. Chaos, panic and disorder ... my work here is done.

11. Earth is full. Go home.

12. You are depriving some village of an idiot.

13. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.

Martha Stewart's Holiday To-Do List

December 1 - Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.

December 2 - Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3 - Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion a cat-o-nine- tails. Flog gardener.

December 4 - Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5 - Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6 - Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7 - Debug Windows '2000

December 10 - Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11 - Lay Faberge egg.

December 12 - Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13 - Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14 - Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15 - Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17 - Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19 - Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20 - Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21 - Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22 - Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23 - Seed clouds for white Christmas. Festoon windows with worthless stock.

December 24 - Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25 - Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 26 - Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27 - Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 31 - New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

Cannibal Confesses in Shocking Trial

KASSEL, Germany (Reuters) - A German confessed on Wednesday to killing and eating a willing victim in a case that could make legal history, telling a shocked courtroom the experience was "like taking communion" in a religious service.

At the start of his murder trial in Kassel, central Germany, Armin Meiwes, 42, offered a full account of the killing that has gained him worldwide notoriety as "The Cannibal of Rotenburg" after the town where he lived. Meiwes said there were "hundreds, thousands" of people seeking to fulfill their desires to eat humans or be eaten via Internet advertisements in forums called "Cannibal Cafe," "Guy Cannibals" and "Torturenet."

In testimony so frank it drew gasps from the public gallery, Meiwes said he had kept his victim's skull and plastic bags of flesh in his freezer. He ate about 44 pounds of the flesh, defrosting it bit by bit.

"With every piece of flesh I ate I remembered him," Meiwes, a self-assured and well-spoken computer repair man, told the judge. "It was like taking communion."

The killing took place in March 2001. Meiwes was arrested in December 2002 after police received a tip-off from someone who had seen one of his Internet adverts seeking a slaughter victim. The trial is expected to last until the end of January and some 40 witnesses will be called, including some of Meiwes's Internet contacts. The gaunt, bespectacled defendant said that during his upbringing alone with a dominant mother he had longed for a little brother he could make "part of me."

He told how he made contact online with a 43-year-old Berlin computer specialist identified only as Bernd-Juergen B. He invited him to his elegant half-timbered home near Kassel and killed him with a kitchen knife in a "slaughtering room" he had built containing meat hooks, a cage and a butcher's table.

"He told me he had had the desire since he was a child to be slaughtered and eaten," Meiwes said. "He was very intelligent and I didn't see any sign that he was disturbed." Meiwes filmed the killing and the video tape may be shown to the court.

Defense lawyers have said the film shows Meiwes cutting off the victim's penis at the latter's request.

"He screamed terribly and jumped around the table but after a while he said he was surprised it didn't hurt and was very pleased that the wound bled so strongly," he added. "It gave him pleasure."

Eventually the victim lost consciousness and Meiwes killed him with a knife. He hung up the corpse and cut it up, filming the process. Prosecutors, who charged Meiwes with murder after a psychiatrist declared him fit to stand trial, are seeking a life sentence.

They concede the victim wanted to be killed but argue he was incapable of rational thought. Meiwes's lawyer has pleaded for him to be convicted of "killing on request," a form of illegal euthanasia which carries a maximum five years sentence.

Legal experts say the charge of full murder may not stick given that the video film shows the victim to be willing. The case could reach the Federal Constitutional Court, Arthur Kreuzer of Giessen University's Institute for Criminology said this week.

Meiwes said he became obsessed with wanting a younger brother -- "someone to be part of me."

Using the pseudonym "Franky," he posted Internet ads saying: "If you are 18-25 you are my boy" or "Come to me I'll eat your delicious flesh." Some 430 people responded to his e-mails within a year.

If anyone has a more bizarre story than this send it to criticalcurmudgeon@yahoo.com

God and Fat

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long healthy lives. Then, using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Krispy Creme Donuts.

And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said "Yeh," and Woman said, "and another one with sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And the stockholders were very happy. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep figure that Man found so fair. Satan brought forth white flour from wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side.

And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast. God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. Steak House thrived! And man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said "it is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds. God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yeh! And super size"em." And Satan said "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.